August 1st, 2016

Well, my PET and CT scan results weren't perfect, but they could have been a whole lot worse too! All but one of the lymph nodes they've been tracking are unchanged or smaller since the last scan I had, back in the end of March. One of them is a little larger and more PET active, but not by much. So, yet again, my scans are a bit ambiguous and we have to wait to see what happens. I'll have more scans in eight weeks, after another two rounds of chemo. It still isn't the 'all clear' I really want, but it is also a much more manageable result than many people with DSRCT ever get. I'm extremely fortunate to be getting closer to two years after diagnosis at all, much less in this good of shape. I can still ride rollercoasters, play disc golf, work on landscaping, write, and do pretty much anything else (that doesn't involve lifting more than 40 pounds, at least). As much as I might get annoyed at yet another scan that isn't perfect, I'm also immensely grateful for how well treatment is going right now.

I'll be continuing my current regimen of maintenance chemo--two infusions on Wednesdays and a pill each evening--for at least another eight weeks. Since several of the lymph nodes they're tracking actually decreased, it seems likely that the chemotherapy i'm doing now is making some difference, which is great! It's even quite possible that the one larger lymph node is actually trending down now despite being larger than it was on the scans from March; it may have grown in the time between the scan in March and the start of this current chemo regimen in June. The alternative of course is that the lymph node is cancerous and currently growing, but the next scan in eight weeks will give us a better picture of what's actually happening right now, while I'm going through this phase of treatment. Until the next scan in eight weeks, there's not much else to do but keep on going a day at a time.

July 25th, 2016

Thursday I'll have my next set of scans. Yet again my future will in large part be determined by their results. I really don't know what to expect, since I've never yet had a clear scan, but I've also had more treatment--surgery, radiation, and chemo--since my last scan. I hope they're clear, but we'll see I suppose. We should hear the results Friday or Monday, and I should be able to let you know what we find out in a week!

July 11th, 2016

I spent a blissful few days camping and going to two different theme parks this past week. Only when I arrived back home did I realize just how much had happened while I scarcely paid attention to the news. More people getting shot, more protests, retaliations, and an appalling abundance of hatred, ignorance, and division. More of the same, really, though to an unprecedented extent. It hurts my heart to see lives ended so needlessly, to see situations that should be avoidable repeating themselves over and over, to see disrespect and disregard for others growing all around. Perhaps most disheartening of all is that so little is happening to generate real, meaningful change. It is only a matter of time before we forget the names of those who were recently killed by police and those police officers killed on the job, because the next batch of killings--be it mass shootings, the murders of civilians by police officers, or vice versa--will come all too soon, and will take our attention away from the events of the past week.

I don't really think I have much of anything new to add to the conversation. I don't think anyone does, by this point. We've all voiced our thoughts on these issues far too many times by now, and we will have to voice them too many more times, before anything really changes. The only way I see anything getting resolved is by building relationships and having real conversations in-person with people on all sides of these difficult issues, not by arguing through Facebook comments or other semi-anonymous online forums. We need to stop dehumanizing the 'other side,' whoever they may be. We need to put faces and names and unique personalities to the groups we stereotype. We need to be honest about our own prejudices. Which brings me to my main point here: We need to realize that just about all of us are racist to some extent.

Nearly everyone who claims otherwise is likely either ignorant or dishonest (with themselves, primarily). I don't think I personally know anyone who can truly say they never make a judgement about someone based on their appearance. I know that I judge people based on how they look every day, despite my best efforts. Furthermore I know that sometimes, to some extent, a person's apparent race plays a part in my assessment of them. I try to be conscious of this, and to fight against it, but I know I am not always as vigilant against myself as I ought to be. I know that I sometimes consider race when forming my opinion of others, be it positive or negative, and I suspect that most other people do as well, to varying extents.

Until we acknowledge this, we will never move forward, and racial tension and inequality will continue to flourish. In my experience those who most vehemently deny being racist also most often exhibit racist behavior and beliefs, however subtly. Recognizing our own biases--whether we make negative or positive assumptions based on someone's apparent race--is a critical and little-discussed first step towards fixing anything. I have only realized my own biases far more recently than I would like to admit, and I am still very much a work-in-progress. It’s well past time we all take an honest look at ourselves. Only then can we hope to work toward any meaningful change.