January 10th, 2016

The uncertainties and questions surrounding the end of cancer treatment feel unsatisfying and cause confusion. Several times this past year, when I still had surgeries and more rounds of Chemo ahead, people assumed I was completely finished with treatment and totally cancer-free simply because my hair had begun to grow back. Honestly it seemed at times like others were downright obsessed with my hair, but that's another topic for another time. It was interesting though to see how people often thought of cancer as something that either is being treated or has been cured, as if those were the only two possible options.

It seems--in American culture especially--that we like to have two simple options. Things are either true or false, good or bad, or some other simple dichotomy. We often see black and white when a full spectrum of colors lies in between, and we fail to appreciate ranges of possibilities like we should. I could go on and on about this and I likely will sometime later, but for now I'll limit this to how people seem to view cancer treatment. I have had a hard time explaining to others that I don't know If I am done or not with treatment. I've barely even tried to explain to others that my oncologists would have preferred to keep me on chemo another year or more, but that they ultimately left that decision up to me, and I chose not to bother with maintenance chemo. Cancer treatment is a complicated and messy process. For many people, such as me, there is no single definite end point.

I finished my planned course of treatment back in October, with my last day of radiation therapy. Since then I've had scans, an ultrasound, and an abdominal drain installed and then removed. I still take a handful of pills daily, to combat the toll treatment has taken on my immune system. Who knows what else I may have done in the future, or if it will really be considered treatment or not. In large part, the scans I will have in early February will determine what comes next. And I am certainly not alone in having this type of experience. A friend of mine had surgery just this past week, to replace the titanium femur he had received last year. The first prosthetic femur worked itself loose somehow, so needless to say this was a very necessary surgery. While I wouldn't exactly consider his surgery a part of 'cancer treatment' itself, it is only because he had osteosarcoma in his leg that most of his femur had to be replaced with a titanium bone instead. This was, then, in many ways a part of his cancer treatment, even though he has been declared to have No Evidence of Disease. For many of us, cancer treatment becomes very uncertain once the planned course of treatment ends. Achieving NED can happen multiple times, with recurrences interrupting everything and wreaking havoc on the comfortable categories of cancer patient and cancer survivor. When dealing with aggressive cancers, it is nearly impossible to find an exact end point to treatment. Treatment just sort of slowly ends without any fanfare.

Given what I had seen of cancer prior to 2015, I would never have dreamed that the waters would be so murky at the end of planned treatment. Videos of patients dancing on their last day of chemo or ringing a bell to declare themselves cured are far more palatable and therefore popular than the unsatisfying kind of end to treatment I had. Add to that the fact that the weeks immediately after my last day of radiation were far worse than the weeks leading up to them, and it's no wonder people don't hear much about this kind of experience with finishing cancer treatment. We like closure. We like to mark the moment when one has moved from being in treatment to being cured. We like simple options, not the complex decisions and uncertainties than many of us with difficult cancers face.

In some ways, I am still getting treatment. As I mentioned above, I take pills daily as a result of my cancer. But I am also not actively receiving any medical care that actually combats cancer. It is a strange, in-between, waiting phase filled with uncertainties. We haven't bothered to make any definite plans for any time after my next scans. Once we have the results, we'll figure out what comes next. It is, to say the least, a rather odd way of living, one that defies attempts to label and place it in one category or the other. I may not be in treatment right now, but cancer still has a lot of sway in my life's course. In the midst of all the uncertainty, it is comforting to remember that God excels at bringing order from chaos.

January 6th, 2016

Hello! I just wanted to take a quick moment and let everyone know that an essay I wrote for BioLogos is now posted. You can read it at the link below, if you are interested. That is all!

http://biologos.org/blogs/jim-stump-faith-and-science-seeking-understanding/thank-god-for-cancer

January 3rd, 2016

Happy New Year!

I've never made any resolutions for the new year. I've always thought it a little weird to use an arbitrary date on a calendar to make changes in my life. That and I've probably never spent enough time reflecting and thinking about changes I may need to make. But this year I'm going to give it a go. Without further ado, I resolve to:

 - Be more friendly, loving, and gracious. I've learned this past year that you never know what someone might be going through. Any interaction with anyone could be a chance to brighten their day, to share God's love, to brighten what could be a dark time for them. Christina and I have been blessed many times this past year by simple gestures of kindness, even from complete strangers. I hope to pass that on this year.

 - Enjoy every moment for what it's worth. You truly never know what the future holds, and how much more time you have left. I want to enjoy every moment like it's the last one I have, and I want to be more present and invested in the time I have and the people I'm with.

 - Gain weight. I hear it's normal in American culture to have a resolution regarding weight. So, I'm going to try to gain weight and get in shape. I'm planning on eating and exercising a lot. Obviously this resolution is conditional upon my health; if I have to go back into treatment for cancer then I don't see myself gaining weight, but I will still try.

 - Finish at least one book, hopefully two. I have a few projects going on (see the "book announcements" section on this blog), but my main project is a follow-up series to the Tamyth Trilogy. The quickest way to describe it is to say it's sort of what 'The Lord of the Rings' is to 'The Hobbit'. I'm about halfway done with the first book, and hope to finish it and pursue a traditional course of publishing for it. Anyone know any literary agents? :)

 - Love God and my neighbor better. These are the two essential teachings of my religion, and two mandates at which I fail daily. This is not so much a resolution for the year but one I need to make every day, and reflect upon regularly.

There are probably other resolutions I need to make (such as see 'The Force Awakens' at least three more times) but this short list will have to suffice for now.