Don't Tell People How to Be

This afternoon I overheard a conversation between someone heading to New York City for medical treatment on the same plane as me and what appeared to be a family member or close friend of theirs. It was the kind of exchange I’ve seen and been part of too often the last three-plus years of my own cancer treatment.

“Stay strong; stay positive,” said the friend or family member.

The apparent cancer patient next to me grunted (in annoyance?) before simply saying “bye.”

Maybe they didn’t feel well and weren’t up for speaking more. Or maybe they felt like I do when people offer what they think is helpful advice or encouragement, but it happens to be about the worst thing you could say at that moment.

And, for me at least, the words “stay strong; stay positive" are at literally any moment more likely to piss me off than give me life. I know, it seems like I’m overreacting. And I am. I know people mean well. I understand that it’s impossible to know what to say to someone going through something you’ve never experienced. So when I hear “encouragements” like this, I usually don’t press the issue. I usually just ignore these kinds of annoying phrases and remind myself that it’s the thought that counts. But people should also want to know if they’re unwittingly hurting more than helping. And for whatever it’s worth, I find the imperative “stay strong; stay positive” deeply unhelpful.

It’s a phrase that assumes weakness and negativity. Telling me to stay positive when I'm already doing precisely that feels patronizing. I’m already being as positive as I can be. I don’t need to be told to stay positive, and I don’t need your pity and assumptions that I’m not, just because you don’t think you would be in my situation.

Imploring people to “stay strong; stay positive” also assumes that just telling someone to be a different way is somehow helpful and will enable them to be that different way. Suppose I am having a gloomy day or I’m feeling negative this week. What do you really expect?

Me: *is gloomy*

You: "Stay positive!"

Me: *magically isn't gloomy anymore*

Maybe this is a realistic outcome for some people, but I don’t know any of them. So don’t tell me how to be. I don’t need your opinion on the best attitude to have in my situation.

Instead, say things like "keep it up. I hope it goes well. Good luck. Thinking of you. Praying for you," if you're a praying person and they're someone who appreciates prayer. You can also acknowledge that life isn’t all positive without projecting your own emotions onto someone else. Depending on how close you are to the person, it's probably a lot more OK than you think to say "I'm sure it'll be tough, and I hope it goes as smoothly as possible".

It's alright to recognize that an upcoming surgery or another round of chemo won't be easy and might be impossible to stay positive during. In fact, it's a lot better than pretending everything is positive, everyone is strong, and forgoing real, honest relationships in favor of cheap platitudes and hollow encouragements.

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