November 14th, 2016

I'm feeling more and more fatigued as these 'easy' chemo treatments continue. Simple tasks like laundry or enjoyable pastimes like walking the dogs leave me light-headed and winded. I also absentmindedly skimped on the Biotene mouthwash a couple weeks ago and paid for it with a weirdly-placed mouth sore on the side of my tongue. But if those are the worst side-effects of my current treatment, I'm doing fine. Physically, at least. Emotionally this past week has been a lot rougher.

Shock took hold around 4am on election night.  Perhaps if any polls had prepared me for Tuesday night's results, the surprise would have been less. The shock soon gave way to despair. Maybe if, before the election, I had started researching my limited options for health insurance after an ACA repeal, my despair—at least that small part of my despair that I felt for myself—would not have been as deep. As it was I cried for myself, for my wife, and for everyone else who felt despair. I wondered if I could have done more to communicate how parts of the ACA had benefited me and others in similar situations. I felt that I had failed to get my message out to people. Every vote for a candidate who vowed to repeal the ACA felt very personal, which only added to my sadness on behalf of those who had been singled out in much more personal ways during the campaign. I could well imagine the despair felt by people in the minority, be they minorities of language, ethnicity, country of origin, sexual orientation, or religion, even if I could scarcely know the depths of their fears.

Then, in a turn that Master Yoda probably saw coming, that despair turned to anger. I was angry that so many people, nearly half of those who cast ballots, could have voted the way they did. Some of my reasons for being angry were overblown. Some are legitimate. But I know if I had remembered the people who disagreed with me instead of simply seeing numbers of voters, I would not have been so angry, and certainly not at the people themselves. I failed last week to keep love for God and love for others first, and I let anger win. For that, I am sorry.

Today for the first time since the election results rolled in I feel encouraged. I've been part of more constructive conversations about serious issues in the last six days than during the last six weeks, maybe even months. I've talked with people I've known for years and with some I've never met in person. Through it all I've gained a better understanding of the human side of different issues, the people whose stories make different ideas make sense. Yes, not too far in the back of my mind I still feel horror at what may happen to the already-marginalized, and I shudder to think what environmentally disastrous policies may soon be implemented. But I have hope. I have hope that through tough conversations we will make progress and address the underlying causes of many problems facing our society. I have hope that we will all understand the consequences of hatred and work towards mutual respect, especially when we disagree. Most of all though I have hope that God's love will be spread now more than ever. We need it.