February 27th, 2017

Earlier today I wrote out an entire blog post about my recent scan results and how I felt about them and the next step of treatment, but now it’s somewhat irrelevant! The scan results didn’t change of course, so I’ll leave the section about them here, but the plan of treatment isn’t what we thought it would be so I’m rewriting that paragraph. And that’s a good thing. The results were much the same as the last several scans now, with mixed news that mostly isn’t great. In the “good news” category, there still are no new lesions. I haven’t had any new spots show up since…last April, I believe? Just keeping this kind of cancer from spreading is a success in and of itself, and I need to remember that more. Moving towards more mixed and discouraging scan results, most of the lesions they’re keeping tabs on grew a little. Not by much, but it’s still a trend over the last few scans. A couple of spots shrank, which is a little odd since most of them grew, but every spot became a little more PET avid, that is, more active and quick to uptake nutrients (and, presumably, to grow). So, the current chemo I'm doing isn't exactly working wonderfully, but it doesn’t seem to be becoming a frustrating cycle.

But we got a phone call this afternoon and I’m penciled in for another tumor resection surgery this Friday! I don’t know too many details yet, but it probably will be laparoscopic in my chest and may involve reopening part of my main incision scar that runs from my sternum to my pelvis. I’m not sure yet. They’ll confirm everything tomorrow, so we don’t know exactly what it’ll entail or if it will for sure happen Friday, but it most likely will. This is great news. For one, surgery has always been my favorite of all the treatments I’ve done. Second, I was getting pretty frustrated with the chemo I’ve been on, since I don’t like chemo and it was only keeping things somewhat in check rather than moving towards a clear scan like we wanted. While on the one hand it isn’t so good that these spots have grown large enough for surgery, it’s also great that I can get them surgically removed. I’ll just focus on being thankful that I qualify for more surgery and hope for the best!

In the meantime, I’m going to get back into writing more and spending less time working on getting a publisher. It’s just not healthy for me to neglect my chief creative outlet and main hobby while wallowing in the quagmire of unanswered emails and drawn-out rejections that is the publishing process. I get more rejections—which are always better than never hearing back—nearly weekly. Lately I’ve become more and more discouraged with the length of the publishing process, and I’m looking into more options like smaller, independent presses. We’ll see what comes of it, but for now I’m just going to take it easy with working towards finding a publisher and enjoy writing more.

February 20th, 2017

I finished another cycle of chemo Wednesday, which means I’m weary and have a couple of spots in my mouth that want to turn into sores but are held at bay, for now, by Biotène® mouthwash. This week I’ll be back in New York City for another set of scans on Thursday. If you feel like you’re re-reading an old blog post of mine, so far you pretty much are. My treatment lately has been a repetitive rhythm of chemo on Wednesdays and scans every couple months, always on a Thursday. This upcoming scan most likely will not be great. It seems probably that my current chemo treatment isn’t keeping my disease stable and we’ll have to change things up, perhaps switching chemo or trying another surgery or round of radiation. Maybe all of the above. Again. We’ll get the scan results by Monday, so I’ll write about that in next week’s post.

In addition to finishing another round of chemo I’ve continued slogging through the process of finding an agent to represent my books, though my disillusionment with the entire publishing process continues to grow. Just today I found an agency that requires prospective authors to first pitch their work to one of the authors they represent and secure a referral before pitching your work to an agent. In other words, you essentially need an agent just to get an agent, much less a publisher. I’m sure this is a frustrating process for anyone, but the added specter of another bad scan looming doesn’t exactly help me feel like waiting years for anything to happen with my books. If I don’t make some headway towards getting published soon I’m going to start researching other avenues, though I know I lack the resources to successfully self-publish. I’ll figure something out. I hope.

The last week hasn’t been all doom and gloom though. I’ve enjoyed the unseasonably warm weather lately, playing a round of disc golf at the local park and attending a town hall meeting for my representative, which was held outside due to the size of the crowd that showed up. It was an enlightening experience, and an encouraging one too. Seeing democracy in action up close outside of Election Day was heartening, as was the fact that a politician in this country can stand surrounded by a couple hundred unhappy constituents without any fear for safety. The dialogue was not always entirely respectful or especially constructive, but it wasn’t exactly baleful or fruitless either. Overall, it reinforced a lesson I’ve been learning.

I asked my representative about healthcare, specifically why he saw the need to scrap the Affordable Care Act and start building a replacement from scratch, rather than adjust and fix the current system. I was ready, I thought, for anything, and had thought through a dozen retorts to as many possible replies. I was not prepared for him to ask me what I thought we should do to fix it though. I don’t honestly remember what I answered – I have several ideas about healthcare, and I’ve been in contact with his office about them, meeting in-person with his District Director and, at her request, emailing my thoughts and suggestions on the most-current draft of the healthcare reform bill under consideration right now. But in that moment I was so surprised to have a question thrown back at me that I doubt I made much of a compelling case for anything, other than saying that ideally we’d all enjoy universal health coverage and this whole discussion would be needless.

It hammered home an important lesson, more than anything else I’ve experienced so far has. Productive discourse doesn’t happen when we yell at one another or when we angrily accuse others of misdeeds, however accurately. It doesn’t happen when we ask questions we hope will trap others. It doesn’t happen when we are prepared only to accuse and attack. Constructive conversations are only possible when both sides are willing to ask questions of the other, and most importantly, to listen to the answers, however strongly they dislike the reply. Sure, there are times to yell. There are times when shock and anger are the only proper response. But these instances are fewer and further between than any of us would like to admit, myself included.

February 14th, 2017

Last week Wednesday was Manuscript Wish List Day on twitter, an event wherein literary agents and editors post the types of books they're looking for right now. If, like me, you’re actively seeking a literary agent to represent your work, check #MSWL on twitter and start scrolling through it! Starting before chemo, continuing during it, and interrupted only briefly in the afternoon for my customary post-chemo nap, I spent most of the day Wednesday going through all the posts, marking down who might want the kind of story I’m trying to sell. All told I found eight pretty strong matches. There was even a request for fantasy told from multiple points of view with characters on both sides of the central conflicts, a siege, and a hidden villain working behind the scenes. Since The Legacy of Rythka contains all these elements I remain cautiously optimistic about that one.

Throughout the day a few overarching themes emerged, no matter the genre, target audience, or tone that people requested. Almost everyone wanted stories of resistance, social and moral struggles, minorities and oppressors, refugees, or fighting for change. Such topics dominated the day, a heartening sight to see, partly because my stories examine these themes, but mostly because these are the ideas we need to see addressed more. These are the lessons we clearly need to learn yet, perhaps personally and certainly as a society.

It highlighted what, for me, is the most beautiful aspect of literature and one of the main reasons why I write. Literature allows us to enter worlds both similar enough to ours to harbor the same issues as ours, yet different enough that we can see those issues objectively, from an outsider’s perspective. Certainly my goal with The Legacy of Rythka is to make that possible.

When I first invented the land of Rythka and reinvented it over the years, I purposefully crafted a world with fantastic, sweeping landscapes, nonhuman species and races, and customs and beliefs that differed from anything in our planet. Yet Rythka’s landscapes are in many ways amalgams of the places I have travelled in North and South America. The species and races of Rythka clearly parallel and reflect some of the racial dynamics found in our world. Culture and religion in Rythka serve the same purposes—and are manipulated in the same ways—as the customs and creeds of this world. Rythka is plagued by many of the same issues as our world, though I hope it is different enough to show those issues in a new light. I don’t know if I succeeded or not, and ultimately you’ll have to judge that for yourself, whenever it gets published.

Whether the timely critiques of society and lessons we must learn come from my books, or, far more likely, from the writings of others, one thing seems clear. Great literature and the people who read it will continue to play a key role in shaping the future. So long as enough people keep reading, we’ll be alright.

Housekeeping Note

I'm going away for a couple nights and as such will not have a new blog post up until Tuesday evening. That is all.

February 6th, 2017

Another cycle of chemo began last week, and I’ll go in for chemo the next two Wednesdays before my upcoming scan on the 23^rd. It seems pretty likely this scan won’t be great, since my last one showed minor tumor growth. If nothing else we should get a good idea if this current chemo regimen is keeping my disease stable enough or if we need to switch things up and try something new. I suspect the latter, but that’s just my guess. I don’t know what the scans will show. I do know that whatever turns up I will be glad to at least know about it. The sophistication of today’s medical imaging technology staggers me, and I feel truly grateful to be alive at a time when we can clearly see and understand the facts about where and how much my cancer may be growing. I may not like the facts, but at least having them allows me and my doctors to form a meaningful plan to best deal with my cancer as it is, not as we want it to be. Facts, with regards to cancer or any issue, are immensely important.

Sadly it seems many of us can no longer agree on the facts, or even agree to try to find the facts. Disagreement is one of the keys to a healthy society. We need respectful dialogue to guard against extremes, to ensure our own beliefs are coherent and logical, and to see whatever wisdom those who disagree with us may offer. My post from December 5^th examines this closer, so I won’t waste a lot of time here explaining the idea, but we need to argue with one another sometimes. Constructive disagreements are only possible though when they deal with the same established facts.

We can debate who might be the greatest NFL quarterback of all time by citing statistics and making arguments based on facts. You could argue that Tom Brady is the best quarterback ever, as evidenced by his record-breaking five Super Bowl victories, and I could counter that Peyton Manning is the best, with several records of his own like 539 career touchdown passes. One of us might win the argument, or more likely we could both become more deeply entrenched in our views, but at least our arguments used facts. What will never work is attempting to debate using our own made-up “facts” that suit our arguments. We cannot hold a meaningful conversation if you claim Tom Brady has won nine Super Bowls and I argue that Peyton Manning holds the record for most touchdowns thrown at 782. It should go without saying that such tactics would be ridiculous and make meaningful conversation impossible, but right now I’m not sure.

Every day it seems some piece of fake news spreads, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes deceitfully. Fake news is a real and pervasive problem right now, and it seems most people agree it poses a real threat and must be stopped. We just can’t seem to agree what is fake or real news anymore. Too often I see real news outlets and articles decried as fake simply because what they report is inconvenient or contradicts someone’s biases and opinions. It seems that a great many people view news as nothing more than collections of opinions, based on whatever facts or alternatives to the facts one wants to believe. This just simply does not work. It doesn’t work with sports statistics. It doesn’t work with cancer treatment. It definitely doesn’t work with serious issues affecting the entire country and the rest of the world. It is time we all commit to searching and standing up for the truth, for the real facts, whether we like them or not.